So, Everyone knows that I got a new car. And it came with a free car. David bought this giant truck and it will work out well for him. Yesterday I was worried, today I am hopeful. I am glad that I can do something for him.
Then-- I have a life long friend. A really good one. Nobody knows about this person. It is just me provate friend. And they have positive faith in me.
Then, Then-- I am losing weight and my house is coming together.
Maybe I am not so cursed afterall. It is hard for me to trust this life.
Finally, I have another job interview (but saying it outloud can curse it).
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
falling down
It is time to pull myself back up again before I can't. I didn't ge the job at TJ MAX which I was sure I was giong to get. I lost the advice f everyone not to put all my eggs in one basket. This just means that Heavenly Father has something else in mind for me. I am on such a down day that I think I will get back to looking tomorrow.
I wonder what Jasper thinks about spending so much time away from his mom. I know that he is alright. I know that he is well taken care of. But what does he think of me anymore? I guess only time will tell.
I wonder what Jasper thinks about spending so much time away from his mom. I know that he is alright. I know that he is well taken care of. But what does he think of me anymore? I guess only time will tell.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
lonliness
Now is the time in the evolution of this all that my doctors said would come. Everyone would get back to their lives and I would still be here. That is just what is real. I thought by now, I would have had all these ne friends and new things in my life. I thought I would have had a job. I thought that I would have talked to everyone more everyday. I do things to keep busy, but you can't talk to projects. There is still so many things to get done, but it is still so lonely, sometimes I just don't want to.
That's all.
That's all.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
finding myself
Somewhere inside there is a whole me. A me that I am not proud of because of what little we have done with our life. All the mistakes we have made. This is not a pity party. This is feeling real things that I need to say.
I learned in the hospital exactly where all my low self-esteem came from. It was at a place that I didn't know it would be. Someone said "Don't judge her too harshly, for she knows not the value of her soul." Some of know parts of a value but it is dependant on the acception of others. The rest of us believes our value is gone.
That I suppose I could say could be the reason for my going along with our suicide plan. But I was tired of being me, us. Hearing a loud radio play all the time,( the radio they say is not a personality and therefore have also dianognosed me with psychotic features) being confused, losing time, forgetting, but most of all....this will be hard to say. I have a personality named death. She wants us dead because we have no value and because it is her job. I did not know she was there. She has been strong. Fighting her has been very hard. This is where all the thoughts come from. I am trying really hard not to give in. She is losing her power. Hopefully one day she will go away. But I doubt that. She will just be managable as was told me through a blesssing.
This is where the siezures come in, I have tiny little siezures constantly in the temporal lobes in my brain. That shows the doctors that I Dissociate. That means they can say physically in my brain I will forget, lose time, be confused, stop what I am doing in the middle of doing it. Because these are the features held in this portion of the brain. It makes me feel less crazy and more crazy at the same time. I know that what is wrong with me is real, but I also know that it is a part of me that will never go away. It was a hard pill to swallow when I learned about it.
I am scared. I feel alone. That is why I tell you all this today. Many of you have supported me through this hand in hand. And for those of you who have, I think it will take some time to swallow but I know you will still support me. For those of you who just don't understand, maybe this will help you and will not think it so selfish or mean of me. It is a strong fight inside of me. I am getting better. I am on the right medications. The doctors they set me up with have a lot of experience working with people like me. I have hope. So I am looking for a job.
Wish me good luck.
Love you all! (MARK!)
I learned in the hospital exactly where all my low self-esteem came from. It was at a place that I didn't know it would be. Someone said "Don't judge her too harshly, for she knows not the value of her soul." Some of know parts of a value but it is dependant on the acception of others. The rest of us believes our value is gone.
That I suppose I could say could be the reason for my going along with our suicide plan. But I was tired of being me, us. Hearing a loud radio play all the time,( the radio they say is not a personality and therefore have also dianognosed me with psychotic features) being confused, losing time, forgetting, but most of all....this will be hard to say. I have a personality named death. She wants us dead because we have no value and because it is her job. I did not know she was there. She has been strong. Fighting her has been very hard. This is where all the thoughts come from. I am trying really hard not to give in. She is losing her power. Hopefully one day she will go away. But I doubt that. She will just be managable as was told me through a blesssing.
This is where the siezures come in, I have tiny little siezures constantly in the temporal lobes in my brain. That shows the doctors that I Dissociate. That means they can say physically in my brain I will forget, lose time, be confused, stop what I am doing in the middle of doing it. Because these are the features held in this portion of the brain. It makes me feel less crazy and more crazy at the same time. I know that what is wrong with me is real, but I also know that it is a part of me that will never go away. It was a hard pill to swallow when I learned about it.
I am scared. I feel alone. That is why I tell you all this today. Many of you have supported me through this hand in hand. And for those of you who have, I think it will take some time to swallow but I know you will still support me. For those of you who just don't understand, maybe this will help you and will not think it so selfish or mean of me. It is a strong fight inside of me. I am getting better. I am on the right medications. The doctors they set me up with have a lot of experience working with people like me. I have hope. So I am looking for a job.
Wish me good luck.
Love you all! (MARK!)
Friday, June 20, 2008
I want to feel good about something
There are many talented people around me. I feel clumsy and silly and not smart. But I am good at some things. And I am smart. People just don't know it. I can't seem to get it out of me.
It is one or two of me. If I am shy, if I am fumbling, if I am sad... you will not see this. That is what my family sees most of the time.
I want to feel good about something I can do. And I want people to see it.
The End
It is one or two of me. If I am shy, if I am fumbling, if I am sad... you will not see this. That is what my family sees most of the time.
I want to feel good about something I can do. And I want people to see it.
The End
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Jasper
I have been so lucky to spend the time with Jasper that I have lately. The funnest time for me was the quiet time we took to do art just the two of us. Everything he says is so funny. We went to Lagoon the next day. It was great therapy for me just to laugh so loud. It was ver freeing. It was good to ride the rides with Jasper.
On the tidal wave, Jasper started yelling "My hormones! My hormones!" And he wouldn't stop saying it. It was the funniest thing. The first ride we went on was the white roller coaster. He was terrified from his last experience. He started yelling, "I'm going to die! I'm going to die!" He cried just a bit. By the end he said that he would never go again. But that happened to be the last ride he went on and he was excited and not afraid at all. Kids are so crazy.
This next week David is going to be working on his house. I am going to go down to help. After all, David has been so loyal to help everyone and its another chance to be with Jasper. I sure am going to miss him when he goes to Ohio.
For Father's Day, I got David the softest stuffed bear and the softest blanket. He likes strange things and he is so proud to be a dad. I wanted to make it more real for him. That is one thing that he readily expresses his emotions about.
After this next week I will be looking for a part time job. I need to money and I have been given the greater understanding of how it works and how it can help me. I truly did not know you could work on disability. I worry that I will fail. But I must try. It will be easier for me now. This medicine is really helping. I hope that it stays this way. The future seems so shaky.
On the tidal wave, Jasper started yelling "My hormones! My hormones!" And he wouldn't stop saying it. It was the funniest thing. The first ride we went on was the white roller coaster. He was terrified from his last experience. He started yelling, "I'm going to die! I'm going to die!" He cried just a bit. By the end he said that he would never go again. But that happened to be the last ride he went on and he was excited and not afraid at all. Kids are so crazy.
This next week David is going to be working on his house. I am going to go down to help. After all, David has been so loyal to help everyone and its another chance to be with Jasper. I sure am going to miss him when he goes to Ohio.
For Father's Day, I got David the softest stuffed bear and the softest blanket. He likes strange things and he is so proud to be a dad. I wanted to make it more real for him. That is one thing that he readily expresses his emotions about.
After this next week I will be looking for a part time job. I need to money and I have been given the greater understanding of how it works and how it can help me. I truly did not know you could work on disability. I worry that I will fail. But I must try. It will be easier for me now. This medicine is really helping. I hope that it stays this way. The future seems so shaky.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Things I cannot Say Outloud
My life is full of many things. Things that people can see and other things that people cannot see. Many people ask me "what I do" all the time. There are things that I can tell them, things they can see. And then there are the things that are mine. I wish I could tell them.
I have said many times before to people "you don't really know who I am". There are many things that people don't know about me. I re-read what I wrote about why I did what I did. There are do many things left out. They are hand-picked, carefully to be acceptable.
I know that there is a limit to what I can say or do or be. Because otherwise our family will devide again. It is very lonely. The burden can be too much to bear alone. But Heavenly Father is helping me. I wish it would all just go away. There real line to quote says "I tried and tried and tried only to fail." I am succeeding in my own personal battle and failing with the family. I cannot change what is.
I have said many times before to people "you don't really know who I am". There are many things that people don't know about me. I re-read what I wrote about why I did what I did. There are do many things left out. They are hand-picked, carefully to be acceptable.
I know that there is a limit to what I can say or do or be. Because otherwise our family will devide again. It is very lonely. The burden can be too much to bear alone. But Heavenly Father is helping me. I wish it would all just go away. There real line to quote says "I tried and tried and tried only to fail." I am succeeding in my own personal battle and failing with the family. I cannot change what is.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Surreal
So many things happening now feel as though they are happening around me. I feel parts of them but for the most port life is surreal these days. I cannot touch what is truly inside me. It is like I am staring at it but I cannot make out what it is.
I miss Jasper so much. I don't know if anyone understands the emptiness because I am not letting myself feel the full brunt of it. I would not be able to handle it. I just let the day go by. that is not helpful to healing. Not feeling is not growing.
I miss Jasper so much. I don't know if anyone understands the emptiness because I am not letting myself feel the full brunt of it. I would not be able to handle it. I just let the day go by. that is not helpful to healing. Not feeling is not growing.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Unsurity
Is that even a word?
Today that is my lesson. So many things that I want to see happen. So many things happening around me. I am not sure where life is going right now.
It isn't easy to wait for things to happen when you have been so disappointed before. Trust is deceitful. I am not good at it.
It is hard to balance between being optomistic and realistic, faith and desire. These are confusin lines for me.
Today that is my lesson. So many things that I want to see happen. So many things happening around me. I am not sure where life is going right now.
It isn't easy to wait for things to happen when you have been so disappointed before. Trust is deceitful. I am not good at it.
It is hard to balance between being optomistic and realistic, faith and desire. These are confusin lines for me.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
WHY
I want to talk about why I did what I did. What I am about to say will probably never be enough of an answer. I don't know if I ever will be able to answer this question fully for myself or anyone else. But let me start.
Let me start by stating the reasons why I did not do this: I didn't do this to punish anyone, I didn't do this to "get attention", I didn't do this because I couldn't handle my finances, I didn't do this because of Guy.
There was an element of Guy in the reasoning I suppose. I have hung hope on him. I pretended that it would all work out because Jasper needed us both. We would be the "exception", the family that figured it out and worked it all out. Also, I wanted to be loved. I wanted to feel worthy of love. But that was by some good man in general not by Guy. He represented to me hope in being lovable by a man. I guess I always knew that there was no real love there. But I felt like it was my fault. I wanted to make things right for Jasper's sake.
"I tried and tried and tried only to suceed." I suceeded at proving to myself that I was open for letting in the wrong kind of person.
Not feeling lovable is a theme for me. It doesn't just have to do with men. It has to do with all relationships. It is me. Something inside of me will not let me feel loved. Others try to show me. Or I look for love in places where love should not be. There is a place in me that seems to not heal. A defect. Wounds re-opening, scarring, and re-opening again. I really have worked hard to be strong. I really have worked hard to make relationships work. There is constantly a black pit that cannot be closed.
For many years, I looked to others to see this pit and help me close it. "If only...." But I know that I am the only one. I think that there is a large part of me that has conceded to living with it because I just don't know how or see how to close it back up. I carry it around and that is what people see when they see me not smile or fade off or cry or detatch.
For a long time, I spent many years in therapy pulling out "thorns" in order to move on with my life. I knew that I got to a point but there were still more left to unbury. I was tired and I saw no more reason to look at anything else. Now I know there is more to see again. I am very afraid. I am afraid because it is hard and ugly. I am afraid because it is lonely. I am afraid because it changes relaionships. I am afraid because it is a burden that is almost too much to carry. I don't know if I can do it. But I don't have a choice. This is my challenge from God.
I think that parts of my knew that this was coming. I think that we were splitting to prepare for the burdens and pains that we will be facing. I think that we did not want to pass all of this on to Jasper. I think we are afraid of the isolation and pain that could happen again in our family.
I could not bear another splitting apart in our family like before. I hope that this time will turn out much better.
Lori
Let me start by stating the reasons why I did not do this: I didn't do this to punish anyone, I didn't do this to "get attention", I didn't do this because I couldn't handle my finances, I didn't do this because of Guy.
There was an element of Guy in the reasoning I suppose. I have hung hope on him. I pretended that it would all work out because Jasper needed us both. We would be the "exception", the family that figured it out and worked it all out. Also, I wanted to be loved. I wanted to feel worthy of love. But that was by some good man in general not by Guy. He represented to me hope in being lovable by a man. I guess I always knew that there was no real love there. But I felt like it was my fault. I wanted to make things right for Jasper's sake.
"I tried and tried and tried only to suceed." I suceeded at proving to myself that I was open for letting in the wrong kind of person.
Not feeling lovable is a theme for me. It doesn't just have to do with men. It has to do with all relationships. It is me. Something inside of me will not let me feel loved. Others try to show me. Or I look for love in places where love should not be. There is a place in me that seems to not heal. A defect. Wounds re-opening, scarring, and re-opening again. I really have worked hard to be strong. I really have worked hard to make relationships work. There is constantly a black pit that cannot be closed.
For many years, I looked to others to see this pit and help me close it. "If only...." But I know that I am the only one. I think that there is a large part of me that has conceded to living with it because I just don't know how or see how to close it back up. I carry it around and that is what people see when they see me not smile or fade off or cry or detatch.
For a long time, I spent many years in therapy pulling out "thorns" in order to move on with my life. I knew that I got to a point but there were still more left to unbury. I was tired and I saw no more reason to look at anything else. Now I know there is more to see again. I am very afraid. I am afraid because it is hard and ugly. I am afraid because it is lonely. I am afraid because it changes relaionships. I am afraid because it is a burden that is almost too much to carry. I don't know if I can do it. But I don't have a choice. This is my challenge from God.
I think that parts of my knew that this was coming. I think that we were splitting to prepare for the burdens and pains that we will be facing. I think that we did not want to pass all of this on to Jasper. I think we are afraid of the isolation and pain that could happen again in our family.
I could not bear another splitting apart in our family like before. I hope that this time will turn out much better.
Lori
Friday, April 11, 2008
Even my ups are downs. I am sad to see Jasper because I have to say good-bye. He loves to see me too. He is sad to say good-bye.
Than there are other downs. The scary downs. I am still struggling to be strong. I am still weak. It is very hard.
I want to spend my time on these things:
painting
making a quilt
reading
scouts
friends
family
organizing my home
my new yard sell idea
selling my and buying another
trying to get to Disneyland
That is a lot on my list. I hope going to Disneyland won't be a disaster. I want to fulfill my promise to Jasper and do it while we have the support. I cannot do it alone, like I thought I once could. He needs it. He deserves it. I hope it works out.
I hope he can have a dog. They have started talking about it. That would fulfill his other dream. These are things that I have never been able to give him. I will pray for these things.
I will pray a lot.
Than there are other downs. The scary downs. I am still struggling to be strong. I am still weak. It is very hard.
I want to spend my time on these things:
painting
making a quilt
reading
scouts
friends
family
organizing my home
my new yard sell idea
selling my and buying another
trying to get to Disneyland
That is a lot on my list. I hope going to Disneyland won't be a disaster. I want to fulfill my promise to Jasper and do it while we have the support. I cannot do it alone, like I thought I once could. He needs it. He deserves it. I hope it works out.
I hope he can have a dog. They have started talking about it. That would fulfill his other dream. These are things that I have never been able to give him. I will pray for these things.
I will pray a lot.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Serious Happenings - My blog is for adults
This last month I found myself in a very bad state. Where it came from, how to tell it in words ......is impossible. There is something here that keeps me going. It is my Heavenly Father it is the Savior. They have given me my life many times. I wish to tell others about the miracles of my life one day. There have been many. Without this gospel, I would most likely have been dead a long time ago.
How is a mormon mentally ill?
Why would a mormon try to commit suicide?
Why don't the scriptures and prayer and church stop depression?
Why don't the scirptures, prayer and church stop it all?
What is Dissociative Identity Disorder?
Is it real?
Does my family member have it?
Can a mormon have D.I.D.?
What is Borderline Personlity Disorder?
What is the difference between Depression and Severe Depression with Psychotic Features?
Does having psychotic features mean that D.I.D. doesn't exist?
These are some of the questions that I have had myself. I know that many of you don't know all of my diagnoses. But I know you have some of these questions.
Here are my diagnoses:
Axis I: ( There are the primary diagnoses) Dissociative Identity Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Severe Major Depression with Psychotic Features.
**It goes in this order.
Axis II: PTSD, Anxiety disorder
How is a mormon mentally ill?
Why would a mormon try to commit suicide?
Why don't the scriptures and prayer and church stop depression?
Why don't the scirptures, prayer and church stop it all?
What is Dissociative Identity Disorder?
Is it real?
Does my family member have it?
Can a mormon have D.I.D.?
What is Borderline Personlity Disorder?
What is the difference between Depression and Severe Depression with Psychotic Features?
Does having psychotic features mean that D.I.D. doesn't exist?
These are some of the questions that I have had myself. I know that many of you don't know all of my diagnoses. But I know you have some of these questions.
Here are my diagnoses:
Axis I: ( There are the primary diagnoses) Dissociative Identity Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Severe Major Depression with Psychotic Features.
**It goes in this order.
Axis II: PTSD, Anxiety disorder
I will also follow in the footsteps of my sisters. (Sister Michelle, sounds good.)
Favorite Desserts:
Orange Sherbet Pie
Cocunut Cream Pie
Oreos and Milk (Double Stuff)
Key Lime Pie
Cream Puffs
Things People Don't Know About Me:
I am liking tied shoes more and more
I wish they had better prizes in the gumball machines
I really do want a dog and a big one too!!!!!
I want to be able to swim underwater for a long time without having to plug my nose
in fresh water to watch the most beautiful aqua-life
I truly believe that one day I will write a book
Things that I strongly dislike
Every knows I hate yard work (but I wish I had a garden)
Earwax
Not being Married
Noisy clocks
Yo-yos (I have never been able to make one work)
People I admire
Alex: He is the best Father I know and he knows how to do so many things for his family
Lynn: She is the best mother I know and she is my best friend
David: He is one of the most thoughtful people I know ( and thoughtful in an intelligent way)
Michelle: She has opened her heart and life up to Jasper and been the most unselfish person
Jeff Aronson: He teaches many people the gospel and has one of the strongest tesimonies
My favorite things about being a mom to Jasper
He is truly compasionate and opens his heart to everyone
He loves me and cares about me like no other has
He has a strong love of the Gospel at such a early age and I blieve it will only grow
He is fun
He is truly a good and stright person and strong, I admire him
Favorite Desserts:
Orange Sherbet Pie
Cocunut Cream Pie
Oreos and Milk (Double Stuff)
Key Lime Pie
Cream Puffs
Things People Don't Know About Me:
I am liking tied shoes more and more
I wish they had better prizes in the gumball machines
I really do want a dog and a big one too!!!!!
I want to be able to swim underwater for a long time without having to plug my nose
in fresh water to watch the most beautiful aqua-life
I truly believe that one day I will write a book
Things that I strongly dislike
Every knows I hate yard work (but I wish I had a garden)
Earwax
Not being Married
Noisy clocks
Yo-yos (I have never been able to make one work)
People I admire
Alex: He is the best Father I know and he knows how to do so many things for his family
Lynn: She is the best mother I know and she is my best friend
David: He is one of the most thoughtful people I know ( and thoughtful in an intelligent way)
Michelle: She has opened her heart and life up to Jasper and been the most unselfish person
Jeff Aronson: He teaches many people the gospel and has one of the strongest tesimonies
My favorite things about being a mom to Jasper
He is truly compasionate and opens his heart to everyone
He loves me and cares about me like no other has
He has a strong love of the Gospel at such a early age and I blieve it will only grow
He is fun
He is truly a good and stright person and strong, I admire him
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Starting Today
Maybe one day my blog will be funny. For a while, we will be serious. My life is changing in many ways and it isn't easy. I hear that the road will be tough. That makes it sound like I am just starting out, like I have no life eperience or it hasn't been tough before.
There is just another adventure. I hope I have the strength to overcome. I must have faith. I have faith in God. I must have faith in myself. That is the most difficult to come by.
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