So, Everyone knows that I got a new car. And it came with a free car. David bought this giant truck and it will work out well for him. Yesterday I was worried, today I am hopeful. I am glad that I can do something for him.
Then-- I have a life long friend. A really good one. Nobody knows about this person. It is just me provate friend. And they have positive faith in me.
Then, Then-- I am losing weight and my house is coming together.
Maybe I am not so cursed afterall. It is hard for me to trust this life.
Finally, I have another job interview (but saying it outloud can curse it).
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
falling down
It is time to pull myself back up again before I can't. I didn't ge the job at TJ MAX which I was sure I was giong to get. I lost the advice f everyone not to put all my eggs in one basket. This just means that Heavenly Father has something else in mind for me. I am on such a down day that I think I will get back to looking tomorrow.
I wonder what Jasper thinks about spending so much time away from his mom. I know that he is alright. I know that he is well taken care of. But what does he think of me anymore? I guess only time will tell.
I wonder what Jasper thinks about spending so much time away from his mom. I know that he is alright. I know that he is well taken care of. But what does he think of me anymore? I guess only time will tell.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
lonliness
Now is the time in the evolution of this all that my doctors said would come. Everyone would get back to their lives and I would still be here. That is just what is real. I thought by now, I would have had all these ne friends and new things in my life. I thought I would have had a job. I thought that I would have talked to everyone more everyday. I do things to keep busy, but you can't talk to projects. There is still so many things to get done, but it is still so lonely, sometimes I just don't want to.
That's all.
That's all.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
finding myself
Somewhere inside there is a whole me. A me that I am not proud of because of what little we have done with our life. All the mistakes we have made. This is not a pity party. This is feeling real things that I need to say.
I learned in the hospital exactly where all my low self-esteem came from. It was at a place that I didn't know it would be. Someone said "Don't judge her too harshly, for she knows not the value of her soul." Some of know parts of a value but it is dependant on the acception of others. The rest of us believes our value is gone.
That I suppose I could say could be the reason for my going along with our suicide plan. But I was tired of being me, us. Hearing a loud radio play all the time,( the radio they say is not a personality and therefore have also dianognosed me with psychotic features) being confused, losing time, forgetting, but most of all....this will be hard to say. I have a personality named death. She wants us dead because we have no value and because it is her job. I did not know she was there. She has been strong. Fighting her has been very hard. This is where all the thoughts come from. I am trying really hard not to give in. She is losing her power. Hopefully one day she will go away. But I doubt that. She will just be managable as was told me through a blesssing.
This is where the siezures come in, I have tiny little siezures constantly in the temporal lobes in my brain. That shows the doctors that I Dissociate. That means they can say physically in my brain I will forget, lose time, be confused, stop what I am doing in the middle of doing it. Because these are the features held in this portion of the brain. It makes me feel less crazy and more crazy at the same time. I know that what is wrong with me is real, but I also know that it is a part of me that will never go away. It was a hard pill to swallow when I learned about it.
I am scared. I feel alone. That is why I tell you all this today. Many of you have supported me through this hand in hand. And for those of you who have, I think it will take some time to swallow but I know you will still support me. For those of you who just don't understand, maybe this will help you and will not think it so selfish or mean of me. It is a strong fight inside of me. I am getting better. I am on the right medications. The doctors they set me up with have a lot of experience working with people like me. I have hope. So I am looking for a job.
Wish me good luck.
Love you all! (MARK!)
I learned in the hospital exactly where all my low self-esteem came from. It was at a place that I didn't know it would be. Someone said "Don't judge her too harshly, for she knows not the value of her soul." Some of know parts of a value but it is dependant on the acception of others. The rest of us believes our value is gone.
That I suppose I could say could be the reason for my going along with our suicide plan. But I was tired of being me, us. Hearing a loud radio play all the time,( the radio they say is not a personality and therefore have also dianognosed me with psychotic features) being confused, losing time, forgetting, but most of all....this will be hard to say. I have a personality named death. She wants us dead because we have no value and because it is her job. I did not know she was there. She has been strong. Fighting her has been very hard. This is where all the thoughts come from. I am trying really hard not to give in. She is losing her power. Hopefully one day she will go away. But I doubt that. She will just be managable as was told me through a blesssing.
This is where the siezures come in, I have tiny little siezures constantly in the temporal lobes in my brain. That shows the doctors that I Dissociate. That means they can say physically in my brain I will forget, lose time, be confused, stop what I am doing in the middle of doing it. Because these are the features held in this portion of the brain. It makes me feel less crazy and more crazy at the same time. I know that what is wrong with me is real, but I also know that it is a part of me that will never go away. It was a hard pill to swallow when I learned about it.
I am scared. I feel alone. That is why I tell you all this today. Many of you have supported me through this hand in hand. And for those of you who have, I think it will take some time to swallow but I know you will still support me. For those of you who just don't understand, maybe this will help you and will not think it so selfish or mean of me. It is a strong fight inside of me. I am getting better. I am on the right medications. The doctors they set me up with have a lot of experience working with people like me. I have hope. So I am looking for a job.
Wish me good luck.
Love you all! (MARK!)
Friday, June 20, 2008
I want to feel good about something
There are many talented people around me. I feel clumsy and silly and not smart. But I am good at some things. And I am smart. People just don't know it. I can't seem to get it out of me.
It is one or two of me. If I am shy, if I am fumbling, if I am sad... you will not see this. That is what my family sees most of the time.
I want to feel good about something I can do. And I want people to see it.
The End
It is one or two of me. If I am shy, if I am fumbling, if I am sad... you will not see this. That is what my family sees most of the time.
I want to feel good about something I can do. And I want people to see it.
The End
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Jasper
I have been so lucky to spend the time with Jasper that I have lately. The funnest time for me was the quiet time we took to do art just the two of us. Everything he says is so funny. We went to Lagoon the next day. It was great therapy for me just to laugh so loud. It was ver freeing. It was good to ride the rides with Jasper.
On the tidal wave, Jasper started yelling "My hormones! My hormones!" And he wouldn't stop saying it. It was the funniest thing. The first ride we went on was the white roller coaster. He was terrified from his last experience. He started yelling, "I'm going to die! I'm going to die!" He cried just a bit. By the end he said that he would never go again. But that happened to be the last ride he went on and he was excited and not afraid at all. Kids are so crazy.
This next week David is going to be working on his house. I am going to go down to help. After all, David has been so loyal to help everyone and its another chance to be with Jasper. I sure am going to miss him when he goes to Ohio.
For Father's Day, I got David the softest stuffed bear and the softest blanket. He likes strange things and he is so proud to be a dad. I wanted to make it more real for him. That is one thing that he readily expresses his emotions about.
After this next week I will be looking for a part time job. I need to money and I have been given the greater understanding of how it works and how it can help me. I truly did not know you could work on disability. I worry that I will fail. But I must try. It will be easier for me now. This medicine is really helping. I hope that it stays this way. The future seems so shaky.
On the tidal wave, Jasper started yelling "My hormones! My hormones!" And he wouldn't stop saying it. It was the funniest thing. The first ride we went on was the white roller coaster. He was terrified from his last experience. He started yelling, "I'm going to die! I'm going to die!" He cried just a bit. By the end he said that he would never go again. But that happened to be the last ride he went on and he was excited and not afraid at all. Kids are so crazy.
This next week David is going to be working on his house. I am going to go down to help. After all, David has been so loyal to help everyone and its another chance to be with Jasper. I sure am going to miss him when he goes to Ohio.
For Father's Day, I got David the softest stuffed bear and the softest blanket. He likes strange things and he is so proud to be a dad. I wanted to make it more real for him. That is one thing that he readily expresses his emotions about.
After this next week I will be looking for a part time job. I need to money and I have been given the greater understanding of how it works and how it can help me. I truly did not know you could work on disability. I worry that I will fail. But I must try. It will be easier for me now. This medicine is really helping. I hope that it stays this way. The future seems so shaky.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Things I cannot Say Outloud
My life is full of many things. Things that people can see and other things that people cannot see. Many people ask me "what I do" all the time. There are things that I can tell them, things they can see. And then there are the things that are mine. I wish I could tell them.
I have said many times before to people "you don't really know who I am". There are many things that people don't know about me. I re-read what I wrote about why I did what I did. There are do many things left out. They are hand-picked, carefully to be acceptable.
I know that there is a limit to what I can say or do or be. Because otherwise our family will devide again. It is very lonely. The burden can be too much to bear alone. But Heavenly Father is helping me. I wish it would all just go away. There real line to quote says "I tried and tried and tried only to fail." I am succeeding in my own personal battle and failing with the family. I cannot change what is.
I have said many times before to people "you don't really know who I am". There are many things that people don't know about me. I re-read what I wrote about why I did what I did. There are do many things left out. They are hand-picked, carefully to be acceptable.
I know that there is a limit to what I can say or do or be. Because otherwise our family will devide again. It is very lonely. The burden can be too much to bear alone. But Heavenly Father is helping me. I wish it would all just go away. There real line to quote says "I tried and tried and tried only to fail." I am succeeding in my own personal battle and failing with the family. I cannot change what is.
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