Surreal

So many things happening now feel as though they are happening around me. I feel parts of them but for the most port life is surreal these days. I cannot touch what is truly inside me. It is like I am staring at it but I cannot make out what it is.

I miss Jasper so much. I don't know if anyone understands the emptiness because I am not letting myself feel the full brunt of it. I would not be able to handle it. I just let the day go by. that is not helpful to healing. Not feeling is not growing.

Unsurity

Is that even a word?

Today that is my lesson. So many things that I want to see happen. So many things happening around me. I am not sure where life is going right now.

It isn't easy to wait for things to happen when you have been so disappointed before. Trust is deceitful. I am not good at it.

It is hard to balance between being optomistic and realistic, faith and desire. These are confusin lines for me.

WHY

I want to talk about why I did what I did. What I am about to say will probably never be enough of an answer. I don't know if I ever will be able to answer this question fully for myself or anyone else. But let me start.

Let me start by stating the reasons why I did not do this: I didn't do this to punish anyone, I didn't do this to "get attention", I didn't do this because I couldn't handle my finances, I didn't do this because of Guy.

There was an element of Guy in the reasoning I suppose. I have hung hope on him. I pretended that it would all work out because Jasper needed us both. We would be the "exception", the family that figured it out and worked it all out. Also, I wanted to be loved. I wanted to feel worthy of love. But that was by some good man in general not by Guy. He represented to me hope in being lovable by a man. I guess I always knew that there was no real love there. But I felt like it was my fault. I wanted to make things right for Jasper's sake.
"I tried and tried and tried only to suceed." I suceeded at proving to myself that I was open for letting in the wrong kind of person.

Not feeling lovable is a theme for me. It doesn't just have to do with men. It has to do with all relationships. It is me. Something inside of me will not let me feel loved. Others try to show me. Or I look for love in places where love should not be. There is a place in me that seems to not heal. A defect. Wounds re-opening, scarring, and re-opening again. I really have worked hard to be strong. I really have worked hard to make relationships work. There is constantly a black pit that cannot be closed.

For many years, I looked to others to see this pit and help me close it. "If only...." But I know that I am the only one. I think that there is a large part of me that has conceded to living with it because I just don't know how or see how to close it back up. I carry it around and that is what people see when they see me not smile or fade off or cry or detatch.

For a long time, I spent many years in therapy pulling out "thorns" in order to move on with my life. I knew that I got to a point but there were still more left to unbury. I was tired and I saw no more reason to look at anything else. Now I know there is more to see again. I am very afraid. I am afraid because it is hard and ugly. I am afraid because it is lonely. I am afraid because it changes relaionships. I am afraid because it is a burden that is almost too much to carry. I don't know if I can do it. But I don't have a choice. This is my challenge from God.

I think that parts of my knew that this was coming. I think that we were splitting to prepare for the burdens and pains that we will be facing. I think that we did not want to pass all of this on to Jasper. I think we are afraid of the isolation and pain that could happen again in our family.

I could not bear another splitting apart in our family like before. I hope that this time will turn out much better.


Lori

Even my ups are downs. I am sad to see Jasper because I have to say good-bye. He loves to see me too. He is sad to say good-bye.

Than there are other downs. The scary downs. I am still struggling to be strong. I am still weak. It is very hard.

I want to spend my time on these things:

painting
making a quilt
reading
scouts
friends
family
organizing my home
my new yard sell idea
selling my and buying another
trying to get to Disneyland


That is a lot on my list. I hope going to Disneyland won't be a disaster. I want to fulfill my promise to Jasper and do it while we have the support. I cannot do it alone, like I thought I once could. He needs it. He deserves it. I hope it works out.

I hope he can have a dog. They have started talking about it. That would fulfill his other dream. These are things that I have never been able to give him. I will pray for these things.
I will pray a lot.

Serious Happenings - My blog is for adults

This last month I found myself in a very bad state. Where it came from, how to tell it in words ......is impossible. There is something here that keeps me going. It is my Heavenly Father it is the Savior. They have given me my life many times. I wish to tell others about the miracles of my life one day. There have been many. Without this gospel, I would most likely have been dead a long time ago.

How is a mormon mentally ill?
Why would a mormon try to commit suicide?
Why don't the scriptures and prayer and church stop depression?
Why don't the scirptures, prayer and church stop it all?
What is Dissociative Identity Disorder?
Is it real?
Does my family member have it?
Can a mormon have D.I.D.?
What is Borderline Personlity Disorder?
What is the difference between Depression and Severe Depression with Psychotic Features?
Does having psychotic features mean that D.I.D. doesn't exist?


These are some of the questions that I have had myself. I know that many of you don't know all of my diagnoses. But I know you have some of these questions.

Here are my diagnoses:

Axis I: ( There are the primary diagnoses) Dissociative Identity Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Severe Major Depression with Psychotic Features.
**It goes in this order.

Axis II: PTSD, Anxiety disorder

I will also follow in the footsteps of my sisters. (Sister Michelle, sounds good.)


Favorite Desserts:

Orange Sherbet Pie
Cocunut Cream Pie
Oreos and Milk (Double Stuff)
Key Lime Pie
Cream Puffs


Things People Don't Know About Me:


I am liking tied shoes more and more
I wish they had better prizes in the gumball machines
I really do want a dog and a big one too!!!!!
I want to be able to swim underwater for a long time without having to plug my nose
in fresh water to watch the most beautiful aqua-life
I truly believe that one day I will write a book



Things that I strongly dislike

Every knows I hate yard work (but I wish I had a garden)
Earwax
Not being Married
Noisy clocks
Yo-yos (I have never been able to make one work)


People I admire

Alex: He is the best Father I know and he knows how to do so many things for his family
Lynn: She is the best mother I know and she is my best friend
David: He is one of the most thoughtful people I know ( and thoughtful in an intelligent way)
Michelle: She has opened her heart and life up to Jasper and been the most unselfish person
Jeff Aronson: He teaches many people the gospel and has one of the strongest tesimonies


My favorite things about being a mom to Jasper

He is truly compasionate and opens his heart to everyone
He loves me and cares about me like no other has
He has a strong love of the Gospel at such a early age and I blieve it will only grow
He is fun
He is truly a good and stright person and strong, I admire him