finding myself

Somewhere inside there is a whole me. A me that I am not proud of because of what little we have done with our life. All the mistakes we have made. This is not a pity party. This is feeling real things that I need to say.

I learned in the hospital exactly where all my low self-esteem came from. It was at a place that I didn't know it would be. Someone said "Don't judge her too harshly, for she knows not the value of her soul." Some of know parts of a value but it is dependant on the acception of others. The rest of us believes our value is gone.

That I suppose I could say could be the reason for my going along with our suicide plan. But I was tired of being me, us. Hearing a loud radio play all the time,( the radio they say is not a personality and therefore have also dianognosed me with psychotic features) being confused, losing time, forgetting, but most of all....this will be hard to say. I have a personality named death. She wants us dead because we have no value and because it is her job. I did not know she was there. She has been strong. Fighting her has been very hard. This is where all the thoughts come from. I am trying really hard not to give in. She is losing her power. Hopefully one day she will go away. But I doubt that. She will just be managable as was told me through a blesssing.

This is where the siezures come in, I have tiny little siezures constantly in the temporal lobes in my brain. That shows the doctors that I Dissociate. That means they can say physically in my brain I will forget, lose time, be confused, stop what I am doing in the middle of doing it. Because these are the features held in this portion of the brain. It makes me feel less crazy and more crazy at the same time. I know that what is wrong with me is real, but I also know that it is a part of me that will never go away. It was a hard pill to swallow when I learned about it.

I am scared. I feel alone. That is why I tell you all this today. Many of you have supported me through this hand in hand. And for those of you who have, I think it will take some time to swallow but I know you will still support me. For those of you who just don't understand, maybe this will help you and will not think it so selfish or mean of me. It is a strong fight inside of me. I am getting better. I am on the right medications. The doctors they set me up with have a lot of experience working with people like me. I have hope. So I am looking for a job.

Wish me good luck.

Love you all! (MARK!)