WHY

I want to talk about why I did what I did. What I am about to say will probably never be enough of an answer. I don't know if I ever will be able to answer this question fully for myself or anyone else. But let me start.

Let me start by stating the reasons why I did not do this: I didn't do this to punish anyone, I didn't do this to "get attention", I didn't do this because I couldn't handle my finances, I didn't do this because of Guy.

There was an element of Guy in the reasoning I suppose. I have hung hope on him. I pretended that it would all work out because Jasper needed us both. We would be the "exception", the family that figured it out and worked it all out. Also, I wanted to be loved. I wanted to feel worthy of love. But that was by some good man in general not by Guy. He represented to me hope in being lovable by a man. I guess I always knew that there was no real love there. But I felt like it was my fault. I wanted to make things right for Jasper's sake.
"I tried and tried and tried only to suceed." I suceeded at proving to myself that I was open for letting in the wrong kind of person.

Not feeling lovable is a theme for me. It doesn't just have to do with men. It has to do with all relationships. It is me. Something inside of me will not let me feel loved. Others try to show me. Or I look for love in places where love should not be. There is a place in me that seems to not heal. A defect. Wounds re-opening, scarring, and re-opening again. I really have worked hard to be strong. I really have worked hard to make relationships work. There is constantly a black pit that cannot be closed.

For many years, I looked to others to see this pit and help me close it. "If only...." But I know that I am the only one. I think that there is a large part of me that has conceded to living with it because I just don't know how or see how to close it back up. I carry it around and that is what people see when they see me not smile or fade off or cry or detatch.

For a long time, I spent many years in therapy pulling out "thorns" in order to move on with my life. I knew that I got to a point but there were still more left to unbury. I was tired and I saw no more reason to look at anything else. Now I know there is more to see again. I am very afraid. I am afraid because it is hard and ugly. I am afraid because it is lonely. I am afraid because it changes relaionships. I am afraid because it is a burden that is almost too much to carry. I don't know if I can do it. But I don't have a choice. This is my challenge from God.

I think that parts of my knew that this was coming. I think that we were splitting to prepare for the burdens and pains that we will be facing. I think that we did not want to pass all of this on to Jasper. I think we are afraid of the isolation and pain that could happen again in our family.

I could not bear another splitting apart in our family like before. I hope that this time will turn out much better.


Lori